Trigger warning: This post is about suicide and how okay I am with it.
June 2018 saw the world losing two icons to suicide, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Like suicide often does, it jolted people into remembering how everyone has a struggle and people should check on their loved ones and stuff. All things I agree with, but I also feel like death, especially by one’s own hand, shouldn’t always be such a gloomy affair.
I guess this is the part I now mention I’ve tried to kill myself, three times. The third attempt was the most serious, it was the one that was supposed to make me a goner for sure, it didn’t. I’ve since stopped trying to commit suicide, but only because I feel this is a battle I’m fighting against God and he just won’t let me die, meanwhile the people who love me were feeling guilty and responsible, and making my wanting to die about them, and I didn’t want to put them through that if I wasn’t definitely going to die.
In the past, my wanting to die had to do with things I was struggling with and general unhappiness with where I was in my life, but I can tell you now, that I still want to die, and it is simply because I’m tired of living, and I wish it was okay to say that. I wish I could just tell people I’m tired of living, and it would be fine, no one would guilt-trip me into living, for them, when I want to die for myself.
Mostly, I wish I could just tell God that I want to die and he would take me, maybe peacefully, in my sleep. Sometimes I think about getting copious amounts of wine and maybe a hundred or so aspirins and trying just one more time, but I don’t trust that God guy to not save me one more time.
I’ve been told I talk about wanting to die quite lightly, and of course I can admit that there are people for whom suicide is more serious. That while I have my own demons, of course, perhaps there are people with more serious ones. And also perhaps people aren’t as vocal about wanting to die as I am, and perhaps some of these people who kill themselves did send out signs or try to reach out to people and their cries fell on deaf ears.
But let me also tell you, the times I tried to kill myself, I knew to not send out signs, I knew to be my usual self; talk to people like I always do, watch TV, do dishes, run errands.
Yes, we should check on our loved ones, everyone in life has a struggle and sometimes it helps to share the load with someone else. But other times, in the same way a person would care enough for you to want to know about your struggles, you care enough about them to not want to burden them with your issues. Sometimes, people know to just make all the right responses.
They could smile and convince you they’re fine and happy… and kill themselves the next day. They could tell you they’re fine and happy, AND MEAN IT (but maybe this is just me) and kill themselves the next day. It is then unfair on you, the one left behind, to want to shoulder the blame on a decision someone made on their life.
Very many times, a person’s decision to die has nothing to do with those they leave behind. And sometimes people CHOOSE to battle their demons on their own, or simply take them to the grave.